


Insufferable Pricks *hiatus*

by carcinaGeneticist



Series: Insufferable Pricks *hiatus* [1]
Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: AU, Adult Language, Caliborn has a soft spot for Dirk, Dave and Dirk are Karkat's cupids, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, F/F, F/M, Gamzee fuels all addictions, Humanstuck, Karkat is confused most of the time, M/M, Multi, POV jumps, Parental Issues, Underage Drinking, Violence, alchohol addiction, four year time span, those darn Striders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-27
Updated: 2014-06-27
Packaged: 2018-02-06 10:19:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1854472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carcinaGeneticist/pseuds/carcinaGeneticist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave is an unintentional jerk.</p><p>Karkat doesn't know how to handle those Striders.</p><p>Dirk attempts to stay in control of things and fails.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Insufferable Pricks *hiatus*

**Author's Note:**

> My other fic has not been abandoned, I just needed something different and this has been floating around my head for a while now. Should be entertaining to say the least. Let me know what you think. Opinions are always appreciated on all my works. I hope you enjoy ^.^

Your name is Dave Strider and you are annoyed.

You are annoyed because your iphone is displaying a very smug looking, pixilated, grey demon thing with horns repeatedly giving the finger with both hands. Underneath that are the words “FUCK YOU, SOLLUX” flashing in basic grey text. This takes up the whole. Fucking. Screen.

You’ve tried several trouble shooting things already and it won’t go away. You feel an urge to throw the thing across the classroom. You don’t. Losing your cool like that is not something you do. Not in public, at least.

You slip the phone into your pocket and let out a soft, short sigh. When you look up you notice several things at once.

The teacher is frantically pressing buttons on her computer with a confused look that is gradually turning angry.

The TV in the top right corner of the room that normally displays a digital clock has that same demon thing up with the words that your phone did.

Just about everyone else is laughing.

The PA speaker crackles to life and the commotion quiets a little to hear the following announcement; “Karkat Vantas, report to the principal’s office. Now.”

You are insanely curious as to what the actual fuck is going on. You glance at the teacher and she is completely engrossed in her computer with the class phone now to her ear talking to, you assume, an IT person. You quickly glance around at your classmates and they are all fooling around now thanks to the distraction.

You abscond out of there so fast and silent, with your messenger bag, that Bro would be proud. You head to the principal’s office to confront this “Karkat Vantas”. The name sounds familiar but you can’t recall a face to go with it.

\-->

You are now Karkat Vantas and of all the monumental fuck ups you have caused in your life this is, by far, the most ridiculous.

It was only _supposed_ to be a simple virus that was _supposed_ to be sent to one person. You caught on pretty quick that something wasn’t right when your computer went black and the gif you had spent the better part of an hour programing popped up. You probably could have brushed it off as a small mistake if you didn’t start to hear disgruntled noises and some scattered “what the fucks” from around the computer lab.

You had closed your eyes for just long enough to say “you’ve got to be fucking kidding me” before you peaked at your neighbor’s computers. To absolutely no one’s surprise, they’re computers were also infected. As was the teacher’s and the digital clock display on the TV.

That’s how you ended up sitting here, in front of the principal’s office. Waiting.

After what feels like a god damned hour (but probably more like 15 minutes), Mr. Noir comes out of his office followed by what looks like a tech support person. The principal looks like he has about five lemons in his mouth. The tech guy hands him a sheet of paper and the principal scowls at him.

When the guy is gone, Mr. Noir looks at you and wrinkles his nose and his brow knits together. “You.” He growls at you. “Count to fifty and then get in my office.” He turns and walks into said office and slams the door so hard that it rattles in the frame. Jeez, and you thought you had anger issues. You start counting.

You take your time getting to fifty though as you look around. When you glance at the entrance to the front offices, you notice a boy casually standing in the entrance. He’s tallish, probably 5’8” which is taller than you. He has blonde hair that falls casually in his face. Or, it would if he wasn’t wearing sunglasses that keep those bangs kind of swooping to the side. His face is blank and his arms are crossed over his chest as he leans against the frame of the entrance.

You know this douche. At least, you know of him. He’s the resident “Hot Guy” in the school that all the girls want. Dave Strider. He’s mysterious and aloof and maintains a deadpan expression and voice around anyone but his close friends. He’s also annoying. You had one class with him two years ago, sophomore year, and was seated next to him. He was constantly tapping out different beats on his desk and you fought the urge to use your desk to bludgeon him to death.

Even looking at him now just casually leaning there makes you angry all over again. You are clenching your jaw so tight it’s starting to hurt. You should really find better forms of anger management. You can’t tell if he’s looking at you through the shades but you feel like he is with that smugly blank expression on his idiotic face. What the fuck is he even doing here? He’s just lounging around and no one fucking notices and you don’t know how because he’s wearing a bright RED zip-up hoodie.

Whatever. You just got to fifty so you stand and head to the door. Out of the corner of your eye, you see him shift slightly. You pause and glance back. He’s giving you a thumbs up. You give him a different finger in return.

\-->

Back to being Dave, you smirk as Karkat disappears into Mr. Noir’s office. You remember this guy now. You’ve seen him in the halls and around school. Well, more like you’ve heard him considering how his main form of communication seems to be shouting and arm flailing. His face is also very expressive. You notice things about a lot of people because you’re observant. No, you totally are, shut up.

You also had a class with him once and you’re pretty sure he wanted to kill you several times throughout that year. He never wore anything noteworthy. Always in dark, dull colors like grey and black and sometimes white. He’s pretty small too and it tickles your ironic fancy that so much anger can be contained in such a tiny person. He’s like, 5’3” or something and from the way his clothes hang off him, pretty scrawny too. His big brown eyes always look sunken in and are accented by heavy dark bags under them. He’s got a mop of fluffy dark brown hair that ends right above his eyes. He has this funny pale/tan complexion going on too, like, he would be tan if he actually spent some time out in the sun.

He’s going to be a while so you turn back into the hallway and sit down against the wall. You’ll see him when he comes out here but he won’t see you. Your plan is to have him reverse whatever he did to your phone. If he refuses, well, you can be very persuasive. He’ll fix your phone one way or another because you are not having Bro murder you over a damn phone.

It takes about an hour for him to come stomping out of the front offices. He’s in such a huff that he only hears you the second time you say “sup” in a slightly raised voice. He freezes. He clenches his fists at his side. His shoulders stiffen.

“What the fuck do you want?” He growls, voice wavering with barely held back anger. At least, that’s what you assume.

“Your virus crashed my phone.” You state. “You’re going to fix it.”

He slowly turns around to face you and the sneer on his face is priceless. “Oh, am I?”

“Yup. It is your fault, after all.”

“Well, maybe if _someone_ wasn’t perusing the internet during class time then _someone_ might not have picked up a virus in the first place.”

“Point. Still your fault though.”

He smacks himself in the face with his right hand and drags it down a little. “Fine. Whatever. I need access to a computer though.”

Okay, so, maybe he is a little cute.

Maybe.

“Why?”

“It’s a complicated masterpiece, okay? I wrote the code on a computer so it will be easier if I fix it with a computer.” He pauses a second to remove his hand from his face and jam both in his pockets. “Also, there is less of a chance that I will make it worse with a computer.” He kind of mumbled that last part but you got it.

“Okay.” You say and push yourself up off the floor. “You’ll come home with me then.” He looks up at you and narrows his eyes. “And if you can’t fix it, you’ll be the one explaining to my bro why I need a new phone.”

He now looks like you told him he’s on fucking Fear Factor and has to swallow live snakes. Hilarious.

\-->

As Karkat, you are now at Dave’s house and it is pretty big. You wonder if their parents are rich or something. The way Dave talked made it sound like it was just his brother and him though. You decide that you don’t really care enough to ask.

“Hey, Bro, I need to talk to you!” Dave yells as you follow him through the front door.

Three people come out from a room off to your right and you watch as they stop in front of you and Dave.

Who the fuck?! You feel like you stepped into a really bad dating sim as you just stare at the three guys in front of you.

One resembles Dave so you think it’s safe to assume that he is “Bro”. There are so many differences between the two though, you don’t even know where to begin. This guy and Dave both wear shades but where Dave’s are rounded Aviators, his brothers are pointy and ridiculous. His blond hair defies gravity like he’s trying to be a damn anime or video game character. He’s average height, about a head taller than you and an inch or two taller than Dave, but almost everything about him makes him seem young. There is an awful tattoo on his right shoulder of something you don’t recognize and he has freckles dusting his cheeks, like Dave, and shoulders. His arms are toned but he’s pretty thin from what you can tell. Even his outfit is silly; which is a loose fitting white tank top with a blue anime horse wrapped around the side with a rainbow mane, tight black skinny jeans with a batman belt buckle, and black boots with rainbow laces. He just screams gay nerd yet still manages to pull it off looking hot as hell. You instantly hate him almost as much as Dave.

The guy on Dave’s brother’s left is tall. Like, six feet tall. And he’s bald. At least, you think he’s bald because you don’t see any hair peeking out from under the lame ass hat he’s wearing backwards. You know, the kind of hat that the Neanderthals wear nowadays with the flat bills and no adjusting thingies in the back that come in a variety of stupid. The scowl he has on looks so natural that you can only surmise that he was born with it. His ears are gauged to about the size of a quarter and the ones he has in are solid red. He’s muscular too. Not, like, body-builder muscular but he definitely works out. His outfit is a fucking train wreck of conflicting styles and you really hope he’s just one of those guys that wears things to mess with people, like Sollux. His shirt is a tight black V-neck, he has baggy blue jeans on that look they would sag to the floor if they weren’t held up by green suspenders. That’s right; suspenders. He also has black dress shoes that should really only be worn with a tux or something equally dressy. Kanaya would have a heart attack.

You look at the person on Bro’s right and you think you hear your brain making that awful dial-up internet noise as it tries to comprehend this. What even…Christ, this fucker is tall. He’s about five inches taller than the other guy. He has a lot of hair on his head but it’s all matted loose curls and wild, like he never brushes it. It looks like it would be really soft to the touch though, which is weird. His face is painted like those creepy clown rappers in that one band. His eyes are half closed and he looks fucking stoned out of his mind with a lazy smile on his face. His left arm is covered in tattoos. His clothes, at least, look more comfortable than the other two’s. He’s wearing a plain black t-shirt that’s not loose and not tight, black sweat pants with big purple polka dots, and purple flip-flops. You glance back at his pants pocket and notice a bike horn sticking out of the right one. _What_?

“Yeah, so, this is my bro, Dirk,” Dave explains and gestures to the one in the middle like you thought. “His friends; Caliborn,” gesturing to the one with the hat “and Gamzee,” he finishes with a wave towards the clown.

Dave turns a little towards you and puts a hand on your shoulder, “This is Karkat. He crashed my phone with a virus.”

**Author's Note:**

> Could someone please tell me how to put words in bold and/or italics on this site?


End file.
